the char blog

Heartache Every Moment

Im tired of feeling lonely. Not just lonely, but alone. As I sit here listening to my roomate and her rambunctious friends at 2:15am I am reminded why I am so alone. Everybody has social lives and friends, but I enjoy being alone. A loner. To be honest, the person I like to spend most of my time with is my mother. She is the only one who gets me. She is the only one who listens to my heart and cares.

He doesnt care about me at all. I am easy and a good way to forget her. He doesnt see how much he hurts me everytime we talk. He doesnt want anybody knowing that we are together because hes embarrased. Because im not pretty enough. Im not funny or smart enough. Im not HER. He doesnt kiss me with love, but with an urgency. There is always a ticking clock every time we are together. His touch lights up my heart… But the fire is not in him, and im not sure it ever will be.

I miss me. I miss myself. The girl who had fire in her veins and passion in her heart. I had a brightness in my eyes thats not there anymore. I cant even get myself out of bed. When I do, I realize the day isnt even worth it. I dont remember what I love or what it feels like to love and be happy. There is no light at the end of this tunnel.

I cant do anything right. There is constant critisims. I am not good enough. I dont know If I can be any better, all i can be is me. And that really should be enough.

Letter to my 16 year old self

Dear Charmaine,

First I say how proud of you I am! You are so strong! Your high school drama extends so much further then “high school”. You had to grow up too fast. That is something that your going to have to accept, you wasted your childhood trying to be an adult.
Quit trying to be like your “BFF”. You are nothing like her and in time you will learn to love yourself as much as you think everybody loves “BFF”. She will get a bad reputation and yours will remain intact. You will go to university, and learn things in school (and in life) that you sometimes wish you didn’t, but will only get you better. You have had heartache that will take time to heal from, the sting of betrayal will always be with you. You will have your heart stomped on by the love of your life (twice!)and you will come out stronger then ever.
Being 16 is hard. You were always yourself in a town and a school full of haters and you never believed you fit in. You will learn the reason why you never connected with anybody, and why you always felt so alone.

You are beautiful. You are smart. You are dedicated and hard working and bright. Keep your head up and remember: IT GETS BETTER.

-char

My mind forgets to remind me, you’re a bad idea.

I awoke this morning with a weird feeling in my heart. A question. What is love? Why is some of it unrequeited? How come someone you honestly love (people may deny that its love, but I believe its just another branch of love, not as strong as someone who is in relationship or marriage but a little more the  lust) just does not love you back? How can they not feel the same?! 

This all comes because I had a dream last night (all last night to be exact) about someone I once knew, but dont anymore. Someone I sometimes still think Im meant to be with…And the insane part is, this person doesnt even remember im alive im sure. And here I am dreaming about him, and only partly jokingly bring up the fact that he may or may not be my soulmate. 

I dont know what is the matter with my heart lately, but the more it screams to be alone, the more it wants people around. Not romantically, after you come out of a relationship that may not have been the healthiest your heart feels sooo free. But I have been distancing myself away from so many people right now because I feel their negative energy around me and It brings me down. I have enough to be down about that I dont need people around who make me feel down just being around them. And being alone has been great… I can do what I want when I want, no panicky checking my blackberry hoping to get a msg from someone, its been all very chill and relaxing. But my heart keeps reminding me of these people I once felt for in the strangest ways… dreams, chance encounters, text messages. 

I dont know what I want. Or who (if anyone). But what is love? What does that even mean? There are definitions in everyones vocab that answer this question. But I havent been in love in a long time and I cant rememeber. Ive dated, Ive had sex, Ive lusted and crushed and cried and longed for these people. But I havent ever really been happy. I remember the moments when I was happy… and they were fleeting. Are all relationships this messed up, or am I doing it wrong?

I dont get why I seem to be so stuck in the past, but I dont feel like I am. I want some of these people in my future. How do I make that happen? How do I rectify the hurt and humiliation Ive put them through? How do I take back the bad and make them remember the good? Most importantly how do I get them to even think of my exsistence? Why is this so hard?! Ive been thinking alot about the men (or in some cases, boys) who have shaped my life. Would I still be who I am today without them doing what they did to me? (in almost all cases, they broke me…) If I could go back and fix just small errors would our relationship have lasted? Would you still think of me? Are we still meant to be? Why cant I stop thinking about you?

Love is so ridiculous. I wake up from a dream (an amazing one at that) and I cant stop thinking about the “what could have beens) and creeping facebooks. I guess Im just a hopeless shell of a romantic who doesnt want to forget the good times, and the hope that they may come back around again one day. And maybe to make things right with the ones I hurt (intentionally and untintentionally)

All I know is I want to change my life and my ways, and forget the negative and move forward. I guess If these people are meant to be in my life they will somehow make it there. Destiny works in mysterious ways. Its funny how a dream can make your mind think harder then average. 

thats all for now,

Char xo

bitch, you get no love.

I feel like things are slowly coming to a head… Like that one day that Ive been waiting for to start things from the beginning is happening, like today. I have made up my mind about a group of people I once considered ‘friends’, I have a job interview, I made up my mind about school and I have a job interview and a phone conference with my landlord. So things are either going to be great, or terrible. Either way, its a start… a bite in this big peice of pie that is my life. And that in some ways is a relief, im no longer sitting on the edge of the cliff waiting for a breeze to knock me over the edge or to be given the chance to stand up and make a life for myself. 

“today is the first day of the rest of your life”… that quote really rings true in my mind today. Im still sitting on the cliff waiting for the change that is going to make my life change from stagnant and stuck to living. 

Life is hard… this much is true. But how much of those hard times make us happier in the end? How many breakups turn into a chance meeting with our future spouses, how many unplanned pregnancies turn into a child for parents who cant have their own? How many lost jobs, evictions, or “no’s” does one have to weather to turn into the life they dreamed about as a child? Nobody will ever know, but I think thats part of the journey. Ive been so stuck, so lost in the past and not thinking for the future that I havent been happy, or even living. Just because you are breathing doesnt mean you’re alive.

Take chances. Fall in love. Trust people. Believe in yourself. Get hurt, but by God, just live!